Consequences of Being Fake

Consequences of Being Fake

2 chapters / 2498 words

Approximately 12 minutes to read


For the fourth round of the Tale Trials.

Prompt: choose from a list of fairytale/mythical creatures in order to establish both your protagonist (hero/heroine) and your villain.

My protagonist: faerie (female)
My antagonist: vampire

Cover made by me.


Sunset profile pic

over 2 years ago Amelia Markey said:

Comment for June Paper Prompts contest

So, there are two things about your writing that I thought I should mention, and they are: repetition and over-telling. Now, I understand that it can be hard to work with pronouns for two people with the same name and gender, but there was a lot of "real Aida/fake Aida" going on within just the first few paragraphs. If you're going to be comparing and contrasting the two of them that much (and repeating their name so much), maybe you'd want to consider using first person instead. That's a pretty drastic change, though, so it's up to you to see if you like how it sounds! On another note, you also seem to repeat the theme of "the real Aida" being given away as a premature infant a lot, when just once or twice would have sufficed. Remember, if you say something more than once, that's an automatic signal to your readers that that thing is important. They'll know enough to perk up and watch for further development; but if it pops up too many times (especially in such a story as short as this one) they'll probably just get tired of hearing it - and they may start to get fed up by you handing the plot to them.

Which brings me to my next point: over-telling. You know how when you're at a great action scene, where two characters might be in the middle of a witty conversation or the a tense moment in battle, and you're on the edge of your seat and waiting to see what happens next? Well, what if, right after someone's joke or battle-cry, the whole scene was interrupted by a paragraph of backstory about one of the character's lives? Yeah. Not very appealing. And although it might be a little harder to detect in this story, that's essentially what you're doing. For example, right after the dashed line (when what I thought was going to be the action part of the story starts up - action being anything that actually happens, like talking, doing, or thinking), you have Aida leaving her house, blocking the glare of the sun, and meeting up with her friend Emery. At this point I was settling in and thinking, "Great! So this is when the story really begins. But - what? Two paragraphs of even more backstory?? Noo! I want to get back to the real story! Save that for later!" [direct quote of my thoughts] And you can even see that her explanation doesn't fit there, since if you go from the first action paragraph right down to "Hey, Aida-" it seems to belong, doesn't it? That's because action loves to follow action - and so do your readers. Backstory is great, and does have its uses - how else would we know that Aida's a fairy, unless she revealed it to someone outright? - but there is time and place for it. And it shouldn't be right smack in the middle of a scene, especially your opening one. So, my suggestion would be to save the Emery explanations for later, include them in Aida's thoughts, or else have the reader come to understand her view of him in little bits and pieces throughout the story. Remember - revealing things to your reader through action (thought, speech, or...well, actions) is always infinitely more effective then just narrating the facts to them.

Hope this helped, and happy writing!


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