The Not So Average Life of River Moore

The Not So Average Life of River Moore

8 chapters / 8097 words

Approximately 40 minutes to read

Description:

River Moore works hard. His life long dream has finally come true: Loving family, dream job, a lover to come home to. But when things begin to go awry, River's perfect life begins to slip through his fingers.

Genres:

Comedy, Drama, Novel

Comments(11)

Jimnpvw_

over 2 years ago Liam Thomas said:

Chapter one, simple and direct. I recommend that you tell less, it makes the reading less interesting for the audience. If you tell instead of allow the reader to feel the actions taking place it can make the story less engaging. Also in the last paragraph the sentence that begins with "One..." is not a complete sentence, however I understand if you were simply using your poetic license. This is an interesting story and I plan to read more, please keep writing.

-Liam

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over 2 years ago Cate Eliot said:

On Ch1- This is really smooth and easy to read. I like how you captured real life so well. I wish you did more showing than telling with some of your imagery. It would really take the setting to the next level. The MC was real and round, definetly believable. Well done! I hope you continue this. Happy writing.

Milk bath photography

over 2 years ago Izzy Jamison said:

The opening scene is captivating. You use a good balance of long and short sentences to establish the mood. I believe there there is a missing word in the first paragraph, after idiot. 'how big of an idiot was' just need to add a pronoun in there. Otherwise good start. I believe it unnecessary to say she was tense with anger. It is well established she's angry, and describing her body language, but saying she's tense is good enough. I suggest you continue describing characters body language and facial expressions throughout, more so than you already are, especially accompanying dialogue. In combination with dialogue it can undermine, support or replace the words each character says, creating further depth in your characters. Additionally a tip for all your writing, your characters can be slightly contradictive, they may be nice, but not always. Show us your characters personality, never tell us she likes something or does something. From what I've read, you have no problems with that, it's just a good thing to remember. River is a very intriguing and somewhat complex character. I suggest you lengthen it slightly. It's a great idea and could be expanded further. Enjoy Your Writing, Izzy x

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almost 3 years ago ‚ô•HopelessRomantic ‚ô• said:

I have read some of it and love it~ I plan to finish it, just not right now. This is great~~~ ^^

Reviews(5)

Emohair

over 2 years ago Ellia Roe said:

Hey Karly. I read all five chapters. You worded the story wonderfully and River was an instantly likable character. I liked the story...

...until I found out River was gay.

Now, that for me was really offsetting. First of all, because I feel it's an awkward situation to have men kissing each other. But also because when you set up the story, River had no characters of a "gay" person. You kinda just sprung it on the reader. If you are going to keep him gay, couldn't you make him a *little* more... sassy? Flamboyant? From what I've seen and heard, most gay men are more so than the average man.(And I'm not hating, just saying.)

I don't think I saw any grammar mistakes, though. So good job on that.

That's all. Wonderfully worded, though.

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over 2 years ago Chantelle Mathewson said:

I read chapter one. It was a really good start, and overall, I enjoyed what I read. It was a very smooth and easy read. I could see every scene playing out in my head, could picture Cynthia very well, even though there was little description of her.

I loved your opening scene. It was an instant attention grabber, and immediately had me focused on Cynthia, and wondering why she was so angry. I have two main opinions.

1.) I was confused as to who you mean to be your MC; Cynthia or River. As the story is titled after River, I am assuming that's who you are meaning to have as your MC. I'm also sure that it becomes evident in later chapters, but it should be clear right off from the first chapter. I would suggest fixing this by giving River a larger part in the first chapter. By starting with Cynthia right off, although it's a wonderful way to start, it jumbles your characters a bit.

2.) I'm not sure the way Cynthia and River were talking was really realistic. Their argument started as calm and then rose, and then calm, and rose again. It was like a roller coaster and slightly hard to follow. Also, as an assistant, I know from personal experience that I'm not sure River would be allowed to talk to Cynthia in that way.

Overall though, as I said, this is a great piece. It has a lot of promise, and I looked forward to reading more in the future. Happy writing!