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Approximately 5 minutes to read
Readers love heroes and detest villains, but nobody bothers about Narry. In a fit of anger, he decides to leave and seek adventure in the real world. Will he succeed?
about 1 year ago Eastlyn Ullmann said:
Wow! I loved this!
almost 2 years ago Kelsey Williams said:
I really love Narry. I like the tone you went with, and I think it fits. In most places it flows pretty well, but there are some awkward moments and grammatical issues that could be reworked without changing the tone. I'd go back over it for comma splices; your third paragraph started with one. In the first sentence your verb tense changes, from "decided" to "he's had." That would just be "he'd had," so a really easy fix. Also with things like being "pushed... upon the floor", I would simplify it. "To the floor," instead of upon. Other than editing for flow, it works really well as is, because you've written it in Narry's voice.
This is a great story!
almost 2 years ago Miriam Barton said:
Very, very heartwarming character you have here. Change nothing about Narry, he's very endearing!
There are a few grammatical things that I'd like to point out? Mostly stylistic but they're not errors, it's up to you if you'd like to change them or not!
"...he did truly believe he knew much of the world..." I think by putting in "..he truly believed he knew much of the world..." brings out the voice you introduce in the first paragraph. A tired, hopeful voice looking for a kind of hope. It adds a certain taste to the past tense.
You have an array of vocabulary, from absconded in one sentence and poor in the next. I think there should be a way to make such stark vocabulary flow together, though they're in different sentences you could ad a tone of disbelief. Rather than "But poor Narry...", maybe "Narry was hapless, having never..." could work with the transitions. I understand using "dear Narry" and warm words like that really brings out the voice, but keep in mind vocabulary can change mood in a simple syllable!
Otherwise, I love your story. Best of luck to you and to Narry!
almost 2 years ago Alias Black said:
Thanks for all the comments! I'm swamped at the moment with work, but once I get the chance will go take a look at your stories in return!
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