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Approximately 5 minutes to read
There are two kinds of characters--- fictional and real. But seeing both kinds in one character is unimaginable and unbelievable. Let's see Casey's and Sam's reaction on the emergence of the three imaginary entities!
over 1 year ago Sophia d'Amiguet said:
Hahah, this was so good! I loved the way you built up the suspense and ended the story.
almost 2 years ago Abigayle Mullins said:
Wow, love the idea an the story but you do have some grammar mistakes that need to be fixed.
almost 2 years ago CeceO (On&off) said:
This is really good, something I have never read before, keep it up!
almost 2 years ago Tandalaya Shillyshally said:
PS Gollum is my favorite, thank you for including him! 8DDDDD
almost 2 years ago Jess Arwen said:
I really like the idea of specific characters representing their books, and the the way you show us about your speaker and sister, Casey, through their favourite books is pretty cool. One thing I immediately ask, however, is what made you choose those specific characters from those books, and if you expand this story, how will these characters play a larger role in your plot as a whole? Overall, I like the idea, so the following are my thoughts:
The way you start with bellowing that wakes your speaker from sleep is a very strong way to grab your readers and thrust them right into your world. You could have a stronger beginning, though, if you tie together the ideas from the first two sentences into one, like, "A man's rumbling voice thundered from the living room, waking me from my soundest sleep."
Paragraph three especially contains a lot of awkward wordings in it, so my advice would be to first read this aloud to yourself, and then have someone else read it out loud to help you fix the awkward syntax.
In paragraph five, it would be stronger if instead of "I am suspecting..." you wrote, "I suspect." The verb "am" is more of a passive verb, while just "suspect" is an action verb, and you want more of those overall, so try and cut out "am," "was," "is," "are," and those types of verbs if you can and re-word those sentences in more active ways, if that makes sense. Following this, you write, "I am keeping..." which would be stronger as "I keep beneath my mattress."
You write of resonance born of a vocal cord, but it should be cords, since we use multiple vocal cords to produce just one pitch. It's really cool to learn about, so if you don't know much about vocal cords, you should look it up!
One of the characters says, "I don't know your point," which is pretty awkward. A better way of saying this might be along the lines of "I don't care about Tris," or "Who is Tris?" or "I don't care who this Tris person is...."
It's redundant when the narrator/speaker asks "And, Tris? Code?"-- the reader is confused as the speaker, so you might consider re-ordering that section to look more like:
"A more mature voice than the other voice.
What are they talking about?" and then describe how the speaker hears two distinct voices. It's a cop-out to just say "There are two of them." Bring the reader into the situation and have the reader reason that there are two along with the speaker. Show, don't tell.
"Save the humanity"- don't you mean just "save humanity"?
The speaker and sister seem awfully calm to just shrug off fictional characters coming to life. How could you make them more like ordinary people trying to figure out something completely abnormal that's happening in their house?
You start a lot of sentences with "But," which, in the way you use it, should be connected with the sentence before it (the two are expressing basically the same idea), so it should look like, "..., but...."
A lot of your sentences are fragments, so try to make sure you've fully expressed an idea before starting the next sentence. There's a hierarchy of grammar: sentences are ideas expressed by words, and paragraphs are each a collection of common ideas, so when you switch paragraphs every sentence, you're undermining the purpose of paragraphs.
Finally, watch for tense consistency. I had trouble following if you meant for the speaker to be telling this in the present tense, as if the reader is in the mind of the speaker as it happens, or if it happened in the past, and the speaker is musing on it.
Don't be disheartened by my grammar remarks. You may want to have a friend who's really good at English to help you out with the syntactical stuff, and reading more will also help you out with this. I like this idea, and I can't wait to see how you progress as a writer here! Thanks for reaching out to me!
almost 2 years ago Em Barnes said:
"driving me anxious" The wording here is slightly awkward "raising my anxiety" would help it sound more natural.
"But it's two in the afternoon" This is great subtle character work right now. We know that the character was just asleep so hearing that its 2 pm tells us that she is most likely a teenager. Great job here.
Also side note: I think its interesting that the character thinks its unlikely that its an intruder because of the time. My brothers house was recently broken into in broad daylight. The cops assume that it was because the burglar was watching the house to see their routines and to find when it would be most likely that no one is in the house.
"I get up slowly from my bed. Enough to avoid making the squeaking sound of it" Once again, this statement is slightly awkward sounding. I would consider rephrasing it.
Why does the character keep a baseball bat underneath her mattress? That seems like a strange place to put it. Maybe consider either explaining his choice for this further, or changing the location of the baseball bat to somewhere more realistic such as behind her door or in the closet.
Great way to build the tension. By having the character listening to the grumbling men have a conversation. I can't wait to find out who these intruders are!
"A more mature then the other voice" I would suggest rephrasing this "sounding more mature than the other voice"
I like the way you suggest that the men are strangers. This draws up the anticipation even further, why is Tris such a wanted character. Really interesting, I love it!
"Two men, a middle aged and a man still in his teenage years" before describing the men put the word "one" ie: "Two men, one a middle aged man and the other still in his teenage years" this will help the flow considerably.
"And I am in a mission to save the humanity" should be rephrased to "And I am on a mission to save humanity"
Ohh I like the vial that contains the virus. Suspenseful!
Interesting how these are characters from Divergent coming alive from the books. I'm curious to see how exactly Casey/Tris plays into this. Very creative.
Ha! I love how in the end another character from another book appears in the house. What a cool way to end the story. I loved it!
On the whole this story was immensely creative, pulling from many different works of fiction into one solid story. My main suggestion for you is to work on your wording. Many times it sounds awkward and unnatural, I only pointed out a few of the times that really jumped out at me but there are many. If you can fix this then you'll have a really amazing story here!!