Want to follow along with this writing? Sign up Today, it's free and easy
Approximately 4 minutes to read
My submission for the Shadowscale contest.
Paloma, an elephant at a local zoo, is tired. Tired of what she does, who she's near, and so on. When her life is changed forever (literally), she realizes she must come to terms with who she really is inside.
over 1 year ago InvadingTurtle said:
This is really adorable and unique. I adore the way you describe the 'transfer', and the first paragraph sets the stage perfectly. Overall, just lovely. :)
over 1 year ago Noel_Rose said:
Very Interesting...I like how unique your character names are. Also liked the ending:)
over 1 year ago Nic Kuzzy said:
I thought that this was really interesting and well organized! Your idea was so cool and this was a really fantastic way to do it. The way you addressed all the emotions of the elephant was really awesome!
over 1 year ago Summer said:
Here are my thoughts as I read:
Ooh, love the alliteration in the first sentence! Great job.
“There was the ever-present smells…” Since you’re describing more than one smell, it should be “there WERE”
“The world seemed, at that moment, as deep and supple as the galaxy.” I just love this line! It’s beautiful.
Overall, there is nothing I would change about this story. It has humor, suspense, and action—all great qualities to hook a reader and keep her entertained ;) Your descriptions were perfect and I like how you moved from one idea to the next, never dwelling on something too long and overanalyzing it. The pace was great and your sentence variation was well written, too! I’m guessing at the end, Paloma becomes a mouse after she dies? Reincarnation or something? Or just a reflection of her true spirit and heart inside her elephant body? Either way, this is really cool and very unique. Well done!
over 1 year ago Andrea Hansen said:
This was really beautiful. I like your voice of the elephant, and the way you describe her emotions and thoughts. It's different, and makes a connection between the reader and the character that can be difficult to create when you are working with animals. I really like the ending as well - her realization of sudden freedom, and her fear of the unknown.
You have a few spelling mistakes:
... by (their) hair colors
Yes (*delete* it seemed) she did, it seemed
It would work better if you wrote (which was poorly) in context to the keepers out in the main text.
Also I have a question: does she know about magic? For humans it would not be an odd association, but it seems strange for an elephant to be thinking about magic, in that she can not know about magic or works of fiction.
And another tiny detail, but the color of the injection that makes her sleep would most likely be translucent, not blue.
Great job, and hope you'll do well :)
over 1 year ago CharlieArmen said:
I really like your writing style :D
The way you describe everything in detail is both the best and worst thing about the story.
It is a very good way to understand in detail what and where is happening, but on the other hand it gets very slow and long. maybe you could try to adjust that or something. or maybe you should just keep it the way it is. your style that is. Like I said.
I love your style.