This Story Is Going Nowhere

This Story Is Going Nowhere

2 chapters / 2037 words

Approximately 10 minutes to read

Comments(6)

Meli

over 2 years ago Melanie Camacho said:

What other things had he done at school that would cause him to be expelled? You said that they had had enough of him but you didn't say that he was a trouble maker from the beginning so I was confused until his mom picked him up and it stated that he got into trouble at school a lot. I really enjoyed reading your book so far. Not much to criticize because it was good but also not very long. I need more time to help you with a title. I will come up with a few names later on today :)

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over 2 years ago Payge Everly said:

I love it! Awesome job! Both of the point of views are easy to relate to.

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over 2 years ago ∞J0-V4∞ said:

write more

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over 2 years ago ∞J0-V4∞ said:

I like it good job!

Reviews(2)

Whitetiger

over 2 years ago A.J. Cypher said:

COLE

‘I call BS’ – I like this immediate show of the narrator’s voice.

‘rockbottom life went even farther downhill’ – I like this.

Haha I really love the narrator’s voice.

‘It was even before… the lockers, Classic bully move’ – so there’s something off about this sentence. I suggest rephrasing it something like: My day took a turn for the worst before the bell had even rung. I shouldn’t have been surprised when Porter Harvey shoved me against the lockers. It was a classic bully move.

‘when he made of Dad’ – not sure what exactly this is supposed to say.

‘I heard enough of… on his family’ – so the way this is phrased made me think he was talking about someone else’s father. Also it should be ‘I’d heard enough of’ instead of the ‘I heard about the’

‘she looked more worn down than the car’ – nice.

‘or much of the ability to speak English’ – this is phrased oddly.

‘and call her Hothead’ – I think it should be ‘call ME her hothead’ or just ‘call me Hothead’

So I’m curious why you decided to do this all in summary/flashback. I think it would beneficial to just write it out in scene / present time instead.

CELESTE

Great job differentiating dialogue. This narrator sounds different.

‘the least he could do would be to pretend’ – extra words. Just say ‘the least he could do was pretend’

I have a character named Kai too! It’s my favorite name :)

‘always off-limits, plus he was really’ – I’d start a new sentence with ‘Plus he was really…’

‘An odd look for an Asian’ – scratch odd. Not even sure it’s possible for a full-blooded Asian descendent to look like that. Obviously not possible things are possible in this story, but these kids don’t know that. I think ‘An odd look for an Asian’ is a bit of an understatement. What if her parents thought it was a disease and got her checked and now she was just used to it? Or something to show how strange it really is.

‘bird[s] hung in the air in midflight’

‘as the[y] remained in one position’

‘against him shirt’ – him should be his.

I like this! Both the characters have distinct narration styles that are engaging and entertaining, not to mention funny. I also like how you introduce the fantastical element, as if it’s normal to the world and yet somehow not normal to Celeste and yet somehow normal to Cole lol.

I really do think you should consider writing Cole’s chapter out instead of summarizing it though!

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over 2 years ago Jenthewarrior said:

Wow! That was my first thought when I started reading your story. You really have something special here, and I'm not just saying that because that's what people say. Your story is amazing! I got a "Heroes" vibe from it, and that is a good thing, because Heroes was a show that introduced multiple characters with their own unique stories without making them into cliches, or making one more important to the other. I was only stopping by, but when I got to the end of the first chapter I just had to read the second, and then I searched for a third. I will definitely be keeping up with this story and I can't wait to see what you do with it. The only thing that I would suggest is to use one sole first-person perspective, and to do the others in third-person. It can be a little disorienting to read in two different voices. If Cole's remained the only first-person you could make the other characters third-person perspectives, maintain the awesome pace of the story, and keep people from being confused as to which character they are reading about. First person for multiple characters makes it hard to establish which character is which. Otherwise this story is magnetic and I cannot wait to see what you write next. Write on, my friend!