Beyond Our Bodies

Beyond Our Bodies

5 chapters / 4773 words

Approximately 24 minutes to read

Description:

[2nd/5th Draft] Thisbe Madden has awoken from a three year coma, against all odds. She is more than ready to resume her teenage life, painting, dog-sitting and makeup tutorials. But all of that changes when she begins to experience narcolepsy - falling unconscious reluctantly- and having the strangest dreams. When she learns that she doesn't have narcolepsy but 'Astral Projection,' it will take Arden Roller, Rufus Garter and quite a few others to convince her that she is important, and crucial to the survival of all with similar abilities.

Comments(5)

14117771_10209034023186398_3617669450408645407_n

over 2 years ago Aurora Zimmerman said:

I really like the story as a whole. I read all of your chapters. The story moves much too fast. It will end more like a short story at this rate. Take your time with developing the characters. Do tiny flashbacks. Tell us about her family what they did before. Show more anguish with the character. She has lost a lot of time. How does she feel about missing two birthdays? Where is the character. Describe the places she goes in minute detail. Make me believe and see it in my minds eye. The plot is great and I look forward to reading more. You are pretty good shape for a first draft:) Keep it up.

0720151523

over 2 years ago Kate E. O. Blake said:

I like where this is going! :) I'm so sorry about being late on the swap! My summer class has been eating up a lot of my time. I hope when things slow down that I'll be able to read more of this. :) I like Thisbe's character, and I like how you jumped right into it and kept the pace right where it needs to be. I haven't read a lot of stories about astral projection, but I have read quite a bit about the subject and I can't wait to read more into your story and find out how it all inner connects I can tell it's going to be an awesome reading experience! :) Keep up the great work.

351

over 2 years ago writer said:

Okay I know it said twenty-tree minutes but i'm a fast reader. It was really sad at the beginning but then turned funny. I really like your writing style, keep writing.

Midnightowolf2

over 2 years ago MidnightOWolf said:

I think this was a great idea for a book and it turned out great! But, wouldn't she have a little bit more trouble after she woke up? She hasn't had human interaction or done anything in three years, and her mother just lets her go to the supermarket. Maybe put some more obstacles in Thisbe's way as she wakes up and goes through a day for the first time in three years. Great book! Thanks for the swap!

Reviews(5)

Img_6405

over 2 years ago Sairah Kohaisch said:

PROLOGUE & CHAPTER 1:

A good start to a novel, with not too many severe grammatical mistakes and a realistic, sympathetic voice of the main character. To further improve, I'd generally suggest that you work on your descriptions to push them from stating what the surroundings/characters/atmosphere are like, to building suspense. Of course, don't try to do this in all of your writing- just the dramatic/especially significant parts. Perhaps, throw in a few metaphors here and there, some double-meaning adjectives to 'hint' at what is going to happen next. If you manage to do this well, you will create great contrast between the calm, everyday view of your character on the surrounding world, and the exciting events that move the plot forward.

Some grammar mistakes and other suggestions, written as they go:

"...i was 12..." - capitalisation! (just one example of this problem)

"'Stop running...'", "I stopped running..." - some more variation might be helpful here (you can leave the stop, but maybe consider taking out the second 'running': you're already inferring that she would stop RUNNING, so it's not necessary to repeat it)

"and he silenced with a..." - interesting structure, a bit odd-sounding, but I guess it works.

"'I'm best in gymnastics?'" - You should probably substitute the 'in' with an 'at'.

(You seem to jump from present to past tense in your descriptions. It would be ideal if you could stick to one tense throughout each section of your novel, though if you hide it cleverly- eg. using mostly past tense but switching to present to describe more intense moments/actions- then I guess it doesn't matter that much.)

"whisper/yelled" - come on, you can get more creative with this: eg. 'yelled a whisper'

"grownup-y and cautious" - you can do without the 'and' here (it's always better to use them sparingly) e.g. grownup-ly cautious.

(there's over-repetition of 'graceful' in the next paragraph... try to use a different word to replace one of them.)

"only to become forgotten" - try using a different word to 'become'- it sounds strange.

"fourteen year old brother" - missing hyphens

"we were on the second floor when I fell" this doesn't really correspond with the previously stated "I fell backwards, off the railing onto the second floor" which implies that Thisbe was on a floor higher than the second when she fell.

"an immigrant from Denmark that shred the same red hair I did" - ok, now this just doesn't make sense... I suggest you get rid of the 'I did' and replace it with a 'that I had', or (even better) shorten the whole thing to something more comprehensible (eg. who had the same red hair as I had)

"she insisted I sat" - 'sat' is in the wrong tense here.

"I remember looking myself"

(repetition of 'myself' in consecutive sentences sounds sloppy... once again, try varying your vocabulary some more)

(same with 'my face')

(and an overuse of 'and')

"at the moment" - well...you are writing in the past, 'at the moment' implies a very recent event. It's not that significant, but you might want to consider using a different phrase, or just getting rid of this one.

"I was in a coma" - she isn't anymore, right? You need to use something more far away ('had been'?)

"absolute hottest" - ('ly'?)

"when my mother walks in" - tense.

(repetition of 'things')

"isles" - should probably be 'aisles'

"The rest of the trip was the nonchalant repeating actions," - tense of 'was' ('actions' are plural)

Good stuff:

"...free from the chains of parental guidance."

"Attention. Attention sounded absolutely wonderful." - great idea, now HERE, repetition works to serve its purpose. For further emphasis, I'd probably put the first 'Attention' in italics.

"I felt a bang, a crack, and it all went black." - nice hidden rhyme.

"But smarts didn't come in the package of Miss Milano..."

"the line was moving slower than the speed of blood." - ooo... 'speed of blood', how fast is that? But a nice foreboding implication that something bad/exciting is going to happen :-)

All magic comes with a price

over 2 years ago E.W. Hemmings said:

I'm sorry this took so long! I have just moved house so I have been without Internet for a few days. Still, better late than never! I'm liking the concept of this so far, and it's pretty damn original. I think you have quite a lot of potential as a writer too, and I don't know why I like it so much, but the 'Chapter 0' idea is really cool. It sounds sort of futuristic, and I've never seen anything like it before. Now, for the in-depth stuff:

Chapter 0

- 'He always acted like he was the boss of me'- show this rather than tell us, if you know what I mean. - In some places here, and also in later chapters, you sometimes say 'i' instead of 'I' (in the pronoun sense). You might want to look over the story and fix these. - 'chains of parental guidance'- nice! 'whisper/yelled'- use one or the other, but not both. 'grownup-y'- change to something else. Maybe use 'mature'?

Chapter 1 'unschooled'- maybe using 'homeschooled' would be better? More people will know what it is that way and it avoids reader confusion. 'Miss Milano'- it sounds too official for Thisbe to refer to her in this way, and it sounds more like a newspaper report! Just use her first name instead. 'acoustic transportation'- 'acoustic' applies more to instruments than transport! 'slower than the speed of blood'- nice! - You maybe use a few too many adjectives. This doesn't just apply in this chapter, but in others too. - This chapter ends a bit too abruptly, and I was expecting more to happen before the end. Maybe try a different concluding sentence?

Chapter 2 - 'banter'- this isn't really the right word to use. It sounds a bit too casual and jokey. - You switch tense in the second paragraph. - 'in an old alleyway filled with old houses'- only use 'old' when describing the houses rather than the alleyway too. - 'I believed that that was what people would call a 'death glare'- most people would refer to it as a death glare, especially someone Thisbe's age. You could reduce the sentence and the one before that to just 'She shot me a death glare'.

Again, sorry this took so long! Well done on this, and keep writing! :)