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Approximately 3 minutes to read
Jane's social anxiety is out of control and she decides to put an end to its' reign of terror. Winner of the "Molecules" contest.
over 1 year ago Cleveland W. Gibson said:
Whatever it takes
I'm a thriller writer. I also write fiction in many genre.
I've read your flsh fiction and it is interesting but certainly needs to be tweeked to drive the reader to the edge of his seat. And there ought to be more of a definite ending that could be classed as a clif hanger.
I saw your post but skipped to your story straight away.
First thing you ought to do is think about development of your story. You need more content.And more suggestions of evil content. Something to get the reader wondering.
If the doctor is new to the patient it might be suggestive that though the doctor asked about the character's breathing the doctor never bothered to listen with the scope laid across the desk. Then the pills: blue in an orange box. Try white pills in a box with writing in red. Might the dosage be wrong? What about the pills being a hypnotic drug, the sort to bring on wild dreams but at the same time giving the patient a chance to sleep deeply.
Your story might jump to when he pill is taken. Immediately the pill kicks in and the patient falls asleep.
The patient might then awake to violent thuds on the door and to find the doctor watching over her.
At the door is her boyfriend who says her dog is still with her mother outside. She rushes off to find her mother and dog. She only looks back at the last moment to see her boyfriend taking a pill from the doctor and putting it in his mouth. The door slammed shut. The end.
So what do you think.
If you want to read something of mine try The Sealed Envelope or Today.
over 1 year ago chessi maria said:
This is an intriguing story. I saw on your forum post that it's for a contest. Are you going to expand it once the contest is over? I hope so; I'm wondering what will happen to Jane and whether the blue pills will really heal her.
I noticed that in the first line, you used 'trail' instead of 'trial'. Also, I think 'a trial run' sounds better than just 'trial run'.
Blue pills in an orange bottle with the name in black--wonderful attention to colors!
'My heart pounding with ferocity and excitement': 'Ferocity' is perfect in this line. It's a vivid way to describe her eagerness.
''Go on Jane, take it'': I think this would sound loads better if you split it up a touch more. For instance: 'Go on, Jane. Take it.' The moment of her taking the pill is so momentous that I feel like the doctor should pause and say it slowly.
Good luck with the contest!
over 1 year ago Grant Evan Nordine said:
Advice one: Re and re-read what Cleveland said in the comments. There were things he said that I also need to work on, he is a wise gentleman.
Advice two: I want to also echo what Sally said. Your doctor sounds more like a mystic and less like a medical professional. You clearly did some research as to what medicine is prescribed for anxiety, but do the same research as to why a doctor would prescribe that particular medication and in what dosage. That might not sound like exciting reading, but trust me, the more we know the more engaged we become.
Advice three: More than anything, we need to grow along with this character and how her social anxiety interacts with the subject matter of this contest. Has her anxiety made her a social out cast? Have people actively mocked her? Is it all in her head? Build your world up a little more, you still have plenty of room by the contest rules to expand this.
You have a good idea, dive as far deep into it as you can and you'll have an excellent piece!