Come Nightfall

Come Nightfall

2 chapters / 1803 words

Approximately 9 minutes to read

Description:

Following in the wake of her father's death, Lily Moore is forced to relocate to her mother's sleepy hometown of Arlee, Montana.

Unknown to Lily, Arlee is home to more than just her mother's childhood. The small town thrives on an urban legend, one that warns of a loose demon and a vengeful ghost, the source of jokes in the daylight but creates unease in the night.

Forced into the woods by a few of her classmates, Lily and her reluctant acquaintances find themselves face-to-face with the truth of the myth. Charged with a mission from a restless spirit, the ragtag team of teenagers must lure evil into the woods and rid of it once and for all.

Comments(4)

Dsc03678

about 2 years ago M. Prince said:

Alright, you did a pretty good job with this! It was pretty interesting. One thing, I don't know if you did this consistently (I don't think you did) but at the beginning: "'...places the blame on you.' I angrily shoot back..." It should be a comma, not a period. I didn't see any other errors with grammar. Anyway, it's pretty intriguing. Another thing, though, at the end with the "You're being a spazz", I don't know who said that. Afterwards it says "My voice barely disturbed the thick silence" so I concluded that Lily herself was the one saying that, but then saying that she heard a voice without a body made me wonder if it was some ghost. You need to clarify as to whether Lily said that or some unnamed voice did. All in all, it's pretty good :) Keep writing!

Images-65

about 2 years ago Liora Nutella said:

Hi! Returning our swap... Okay, first off, I REALLY hope you continue this. In fact, I will be very upset if you don't. :3 lol. Your story flows well and I can't find any grammatical things to change. I love suspense stories and you did a great job--starting out with something a little out of the ordinary and then escalating. Please let me know if you continue it, maybe we can swap again. :) Good luck! -Liora

Hilton head pic crop 2

about 2 years ago Tonya Royston said:

I'm intrigued by your plot! I think you have a great start here. It really moves and makes me wonder if the two girls might become friends one day. I am also very curious about the Trap. I think you know where this is going, but you did a good job of creating some mystery. My one comment on your writing is to watch your verb tense. I noticed that you flipped a little between past and present tense. Otherwise, great job!

Image

about 2 years ago Sammi L. said:

I really like this so far! I'm very intrigued by the whole 'Lovers Trap' myth. Will this play a huge role in the story? Suspense/mystery is one of my favourite genres so I was instantly curious after reading the summary :)

This is well-written with hardly any grammatical errors as far as I could tell, but I did notice two small things: 1) '...followed [him] into his office...' - missing the word 'him'. 2) '...able to [follow] through.' - 'follow' rather than 'fall'. Aside from those, there wasn't really anything else. The dialogue sounds realistic, and I love your descriptions. The way you end the first chapter -the sentence about the voice without the body- is excellent; it definitely left me wanting to know more. Overall, I don't really have any suggestions. This is awesome so far &you should certainly continue writing. Great job!

Reviews(3)

Coast

about 2 years ago HT Fallen said:

Return for The Forgers chp. 1:

Here are just a few things that I picked up on as I read. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.

I like the opening sentence. It gets the reader straight into the action, and it's a good hook. I wanna know what was their fault.

newly[-]formed

This is just an aesthetic thing, but I think adverbs flow better at the end of a phrase. i.e. "I shoot back angrily." Also that should be a dialogue tag, so, "...places the blame on you[,]" I shoot back angrily. They're technically part of the same sentence.

Sometimes, you do tend to get a little bit wordy. I think there are more direct ways you could phrase things that would make it a little easier of a read. "I had no reason to believe otherwise, with the flawless, effortless way the entire student body avoided me."

only and mere are kind of redundant. usually, you can just go with one or the other.

Oh yeah, because life - this feels a little too much like she's talking to the reader. It just feels forced.

Awww, first days suck.

"You're the one welcoming evil in your life." I didn't get this. Was it some sort of like impromptu baptism? Did it have to do with the way she was dressed?

Ahhhh, it comes out with the principal. Still, I might express a little more confusion from your MC. She doesn't know about the Trap, so she would have no idea why a girl would randomly pour water on her. It might help add to her indignation, too, give her more vindication for slapping Madison. I'd have slapped her too if she dumped water on me for no reason.

You lost your father only months ago - I'm not sure this line fits here. It's good that we're getting some background on her, but I don't know if it's a conversation he would have in front of a girl she'd just fought. It feels a little too personal?

Oh [M]om, I sighed. - should be capitalized when it's used as a name.

This is a good start. There are some things I think you could clean up a little bit - you don't have to tell us everything about Lily at once, so maybe save the detail about her father for a little later. On the whole, though, it sounds like you've got a really interesting story to tell. Good luck with it!

T_zpsa2eiptve

about 2 years ago A.T said:

that was a good start to the beginning of the story, I would just suggest to keep on adding the character's thought's throughout the whole chapter and not just in certain parts. But it is definitely a good start :)