Portal

Portal

1 chapter / 2503 words

Approximately 13 minutes to read

Description:

A young man who wakes up in the dressing room of a theater and has no idea how he got there. A perplexing tale soon unfolds. ~in progress~

Comments(3)

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over 2 years ago Sammi L. said:

Wow, I really like this! The twist at the end -I didn't see that coming at all. The whole idea is very creative. Your descriptions are so vivid and detailed; I could picture everything -from the scenery to the characters- very easily. I find it interesting how the protagonist remains unnamed; it adds to the overall mystery of the piece. Do you plan on continuing this? I'd love to know what happens next :) This is pretty much flawless in terms of grammar. I only noticed one thing; in the second chapter, 'staring' was misspelt twice. Aside from that, I don't really have any suggestions. I was hooked from the beginning and the last line was a perfect cliffhanger. Great work!

Hilton head pic crop 2

over 2 years ago Tonya Royston said:

This was a very unique story idea. I think you did a great job with the descriptions and conveying the main character's feelings. I started to get really curious when they were pretending to pour wine. Then the last sentence was like a bomb dropping. I never try to guess where a story is going so that I can be surprised and this was definitely one of those times. Is there going to be more to this? If so, I hope you keep working on it!

Girl and butterfly

over 2 years ago Nightfairy said:

This is really good and I didn't expect the twist at the end of the second chapter at all! :)

Reviews(6)

Sunrise

over 1 year ago Sophia Edwards said:

***I write my review as I edit, so my notes follow the flow of the piece. These are my opinions, so don't feel obligated to change anything that I mention.****

The first three sentences feel listed. I think it stems from the "My nose is congested" sentence. I think it would be good to describe what it felt like to be congested and let it explain.

Why are there tears?

Haha. I love the humor in the MC's voice.

Your ability to describe a location is perfect. I can imagine being in the dressing room and feeling like I was there. I could see everything like a perfect movie. It's an amazing skill.

What I wish you would stress a little bit more is their confusion. They aren't really confused and I wished you talked about it a bit more so that I understood how they dealt with that confusion.

I love the descriptions of the characters. You have an amazing ability to describe things :)

I wish that while the woman spoke, you have the MC interject her with questions that keep getting cut off.

"Like a walrus performing solo on a dance floor" -> OMG I'M DYING. I'M LAUGHING SO HARD. THIS IS GOLD.

He seems a bit relaxed for someone who hates not knowing the answer to things. If I was him with that twerk, I'd run around trying to find out whether or not I'm in Vegas.

"I must be insanely frivolous"-> what do you mean must be? Don't they know who they are? IS IT LIKE A SPIRIT THAT JUMPS BODIES RANDOMLY?

Woah. Him walking into the gym/banquet hall was totally freaky. Where is the creep/thrilling music? I'm getting really nervous.

Can you describe his physical reaction as he's sitting there? Is he sweating? Is he shaking? What's going on with his body as a response to what is going on?

It might do you well to change "instructing" to "enticing"

That is a jump from "in a different world" to "dead". I think the woman should take her time getting to it. Like giving some suggestions and hoping he's catching the hint before just full on telling him he died.

The woman doesn't seem like the one who be dejected and mournful. She seems like the one who would say it while shrugging it off. As if something was fact not worth giving emotion. Like her extreme dramatics wouldn't require her to care about it.

Make her laugh more dramatic. I kind of see her as a caricature. You can make everything she does more dramatic than the way you have it here.

"If I can't remember my own death, how I know it happened?"-> it seems like you're restating the question. Some of your dialogue needs to be worked on. It doesn't sound realistic. Like you wouldn't say something like that. Most likely you'd freak out and speak in fragmented sentences because your body is trying to process. That's how you should write it. (I would suggest reading it out loud and seeing if it sounds like something you would say. Something that you would hear in a conversation this stressful.)

When he accuses the woman of brainwashing her, why doesn't he react? He just looks at her and accuses her of brainwashing that easy? Why doesn't he sputter away towards the wall, away from her brainwashed friends and the ring leader.

How is the woman taking this? What about everyone else? What are they doing?

China white face -> This could easily be offensive. Just a warning

WTF???? THAT ENDING??? CHILLS!!!!!!! Once you have the dialogue with the china white face woman, the dialogue is perfect. I can already hear the detached, robotic like voice as she said it. The slight tilt with the manic smile.

Overall: I think there is a great premise here. You have a lot to work with and I think you can expand this well ( or leave it chillingly terrifying as is). You need to work on dialogue and description a bit, and not just on plot development. I think without those two, I was having trouble understanding the characters and their own development in this piece. But great start!

Never Stop writing :)

Lanterns

over 2 years ago Josephine said:

I liked this it was really interesting and it was certainly unique. At first I was wondering where this story was going. But I guess it made more sense in the end. I really didn't expect the ending at all. I guess, be honest, I get the lose of memory, and the tears. However, I don't think I completely understood the idea of the dress room, and how that connected to the demise of the character. Why 17th century clothes and nothing else? What is with the plastic food? On top of that I felt like they should have eased the MC into the idea that he committed suicide. And why should the MC even believe a word this woman says? Why don't he at least try to find a way out instead of just accepting this crazy world? I thought this was very odd. And what is with the toilet paper? Does it mean something? Did he take his life in a bathroom? Anyways these are my only things I can offer as suggestions. I thought this was a good story overall though.