Demons Within

Demons Within

1 chapter / 1962 words

Approximately 10 minutes to read

Description:

Prologue
Tom was an normal guy with the exception of anger issues, however, that anger originates from a pure evil living in wait inside him, an evil called Ankoku

Comments(9)

Trin_aster_pro

about 2 years ago Trin Aster said:

Nice! But like Josephine F. said the description should be shortened a bit, I am a terrible editor so I don't really have anything else, sorry this is super short. Keep writing!

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about 2 years ago james said:

To be perfectly honest with you, I normally hate this types of books. I think they're overrated and rather basic. Something of the mind of an overactive Dungeons and Dragons player to be stereotypical.

However, this book thoroughly captured me. Far in contrast to the below comments which talk about only being able to read a bit before zoning out (I mean no offense to them though xD), I was on the edge of my seat throughout this just simple taste of what you have in store for the rest of the book. The battle as well as the scene of it, was described in a phenomenal way that it simply does something akin to rendering me speechless in my wanting to describe. My only comment that would be any sort of negative is that there is a fair amount of grammar and spelling mistakes in the story, as far as using a word such as concur, where I believe you mean to put conquer and just leaving out end marks. Other than that, I fully enjoyed reading and cannot wait to see what you have in store in future chapters!

Thank you so much for sharing and I hope you that you will continue to write. :)

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about 2 years ago chessi maria said:

I read about half. I can tell that you've thought through the plot line and the rules of your fantasy world thoroughly; they really make the story come to life. Your tone is very solid--a mix of action and horror. However, I'd suggest revising your paragraph lengths and grammar choices as much as you can. As far as I can see, the reviews you have already pinpoint the grammar changes you should make. Listen to them!! The story already packs a punch as it is, but the punch would quadruple if you worked out your grammar and made use of tools like imagery. Anyway, that's my opinion. Good luck!

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about 2 years ago Saffron City said:

This was an interesting story, and a great idea. The end made me completely captivated, and I would like to read more, which is what a prologue should do. The characters were intriguing, and I would like to know more about them. I only wish that you had added a bit more detail, because I was confused at some parts, which the large size and quantity of your paragraphs did nothing to benefit that. Also, I suggest that you should start off with some action or dialogue, because that long paragraph at the beginning made me lose focus on the story. Great job, overall. I enjoyed the suspense.

Reviews(8)

Lolooff

about 2 years ago Josephine F. said:

You describe things well but your paragraphs should definitely be shortened split up some so it doesn't cause the reader to zone out and lose track of where they're at. They tend to run-on and make it hard for the reader to process what is going on in the story.

I also noticed that you have a few words that need to be changed because they don't make any sense in the parts you use them at like "sole", "pincer", "revile", etc.

Finally, you also need to remember to put punctuation before and after quotations. Examples: "Hey," and; the boy said,"hey".

(Sorry, I had a better review but somebody deleted it as soon as I walked out of the room and I don't feel well enough to redo it completely).

Otherwise, good job on the first part! I will gladly continue if you do an equal amount for one of my writings. Have a good day and keep up the writing!

Stein

about 2 years ago Sir Prise said:

Your story has an interesting premise, and I like the promise it shows. There are just a few points of constructive criticism I'd like to address.

First thing is your use of language itself. You have several instances where sentences are not properly punctuated and incorrect grammar is used. There are also many cases of misspelled words (i.e. conquer as opposed to concur. Very different meaning between the two words) and awkward phrasing. Terms like "but wait..." are great for dialogue, but not narration. For that, you'll want to be descriptive and straightforward (unless it is told through the lense of a specific character).

Once you go through and make these corrections, I would suggest adding some more background detail to your settings and situations. You leave a lot to the imagination, which in and of itself is very good, but there are places in the story where you would benefit from additional clarity.

Overall, you have a good premise and I see a lot of potential with this story, you just have to build up your foundation a bit more before moving forward