ɪɲʂ¡ɗẹ

ɪɲʂ¡ɗẹ

17 chapters / 1089 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

Completed


Winner of the FigmentFiles Contest

Ilana is a 14 years old, Sensitive and Dewy-eyed girl. Now monsters have risen. She writes to express her feelings, to be able to connect with the monsters and virtues. She loses hope being in difficulty and eventually gets trapped in the darkness through her diary written by her own hand but words are of monsters, living ¡ɲʂ¡ɗẹ her.

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Cover by October Darling
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No Inspiration or idea taken from any movie or book! If you think it relates! Then it is coincidence!
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Eira Skye. © 2017

Comments(27)

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about 1 year ago ♊Cassie S.♊ said:

Oh my...

I don't know what to say about this, I... I'm speechless. This is so unique and I've never seen anything like it before.

Good job!

Big bros 4!!!

over 1 year ago |-/One-Lost-Pilot|-/ said:

This was amazing! Very descriptive and really caught my attention! Wow is all I could say.

Ep

over 1 year ago Sara Winters said:

I really loved this. I could definitely connect. I feel for you. That brought tears to my eyes. It was very well written.

Stars

over 1 year ago Vanishing Starlight said:

This really surprised me when I started reading this :O I never expected to get so enchanted with the writing as I did! I think you really captured the essence of depression beautifully.

Reviews(13)

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over 1 year ago Alix Armani said:

Red,

Where to start?

Well, I suppose at the Beginning.

I just want to tell you now that I loved the way this started out. It showed real promise, and instantly drew me in. However, as the story went on, it lost that, not completely, but more, as if the essence became murkier somehow, even though it only got more explicit. It's hard to describe...

To be honest with you, I don't know how this won a contest. And wait, wait! I promise that's not a totally bad thing! It's just...I don't know, I guess I imagine that a contest would have very high standards. And with all the people on here, it's hard to imagine. But that's just me! Maybe I'm strange.

But in any case, in my opinion, it really could reach that level if you worked on it a little. The format is very interesting, and while I think we need to hear from Ilana a little more in the later bits, and that she's a bit dramatic at times, well, maybe Depression does that to people. Or maybe she was dramatic to begin with?

My suggestions are to–

Run over it for Grammatical mistakes/...Well, I guess it's all a form of error, but in wording, as verse as just in proper punctuation or spelling.

Add more Ilana.

Try to narrow it down a bit to just it's essence. Try to make that come through a little clearer.

Depression loses subtlety, and that's fine, (In my opinion,) he has Ilana in his clutches, but try to make the transition a little smoother. Bit by bit, as verse as all of a sudden, 'Cut yourself', sort of thing.

And just the general flow of the story.

-I hope I don't sound too...I don't know, I hope I don't sound mean to you. I really did like the story; I just think it could be so much more amazing if you worked on it.

I think that's about it...And thanks for swapping with me. I hope you don't regret it.

-Alix :)

Me

over 1 year ago Jon said:

(So you know, I write my reviews while reading the stories, not afterwards. I try not to focus on grammar, unless it is continuous. I am honest. If I like something or not, I will let you know. I'm not trying to be mean. I genuinely want you to become a better writer.)

Fun fact, I was going to review this before you even asked! (I actually had an idea very similar to what the cover shows. Mine's just not so direct about it.)

Anyways.

EVERYTHING BEFORE THE STORY: "No Inspiration or idea taken from any movie or book! If you think it relates! Then it is coincidence!" That's an awfully suspicious thing to say only on this piece. I didn't check all of your stories, but this is the only one I saw to have it.

Ilana. Oh it's ilana, not llana. Ok, that makes more sense.

In there a legitimate reason for why the title is written like this? ɪɲʂ¡ɗẹ Sure it looks interesting, but does it serve a purpose?

Why is the picture you put on my wall different than your cover? The one on the wall, minus all the clutter, is really cool. It helps set the atmosphere of this type of story. The one you have now isn't bad, but if the other is an option, I'd go with that.

On the first page, with the note to suicidal people, it's probably not the best idea to have skull and crossbones lining the top. If you're trying to get people to not commit suicide, you probably don't them visualizing death.

CHAPTER 1: Interesting choice to go with 24 hour time.

Why is 'Hello Ilana' in italics, as well as all the names, but not 'Depression' in the first paragraph. Or for that matter, the entire paragraph? Visually it is a nice touch. On the other, even though it makes sense for 'inside' to be italicized, it also makes it more inconsistent. Is it also a name?

"Those live inside you, the monsters." Are you saying the monsters live inside Ilana? If so, this is a weird way to write it. The way it is written right now is as if Depression is calling Ilana by the name 'The monsters'. I feel like there is missing information here. If it was something like, "Those who live inside you. The monsters." I think that would flow better. It seems disconnected from what you just wrote. You're talking about Depression, a single entity, and then suddenly 'monsters' 'those' 'us', but then back to just Depression.

For that matter, us? What do you mean us? Again, so far we only know of Depression. I'm sure it means all the other entities you list, but we don't know about them yet. I feel it would work better if you kept this first paragraph to Depression, but reword it to reveal the others. "I'm Depression, the emptiness, the lord of blues. It's time for me to rise and conquer your sole as I blacken your heart and mind. I shall come on a daily basis, not alone, but with my great friends. Those who line inside you. The monsters:" Something like that.

You probably noticed I changed the "It's time for us..." sentence as well. 'And' is used three times in the sentence. It's best not to do this, except in certain circumstances. (Like when listing something.) "I shall come on daily basis..." Did you mean 'A daily basis."

"Loneliness, the lone master." If it's literal, that's a bit redundant. If you're saying he's the master of the lone, well duh, that's literally his name. If you're saying he's the only master, then what about everyone else listed? It also doesn't really fit with the other descriptions given. All the other descriptions are good indicators to their personas. It makes them sound almost mythological. 'The lone master' though sounding cool, again, doesn't fit in there.

"The happiness?" None of the others are 'the' anything. "We do not go away with ease, either." I think this is stronger without the 'either'.

"Depression, The Lord of all." If he's the lord of all, then what was "The emptiness, the lord of blues."? Which one is it? Also, 'Lord of All'. If his title is going to capitalized, the rest need to be as well, except maybe the gurus. That's not really a title, but more of a position.

It's like with any leader, or position really. Mr. President. Commander in Chief. General Hammond. etc.

CHAPTER 2 It took her six minutes to respond?

If Ilana is physically speaking, 'well' is OK. Since this is meant to look as if she is writing, I would remove it. It doesn't add anything to the sentence. Without it, I think the sentence has a stronger meaning.

Why are 'joy, fun, love and hope' all lowercase? Are they different than the rest? Happiness is capitalized just after that.

"You can't conquer inside me." I'm going to assume you intentionally used the word 'inside' as it is the name of your story. It comes across a little weird though. I get what you're saying. "You can't conquer me." works a little better, and it flows. Since she's being very demanding/threatening here, removing 'inside' keeps that theme. Besides, the conquering the inside means conquering her.

I've never heard the name Ilana Noor before, so I looked it up. I don't know if you chose the names for any specific reason or if it was just random. I assume Noor was specifically chosen for it's meaning. When talking about depression and suicide, it's a good contrast.

CHAPTER 3 Almost a month later? OK. I'm assuming we don't have the full transcript between the two, which works well.

"Little Ilana," How old is Ilana. Your description says 14, but your story never mentions it. Always assume people won't read your description.

"What you saw today?" This is not proper English. It's half a sentence. Like, "What you say today, just ignore it." Is depression asking Ilana what she saw today? As in, "What did you see today?"

"talking on your back," I think you mean 'talking behind your back.' 14 year old with one true love? Yeah, that seems like a 14 year old's mind actually. Can't argue that one.

"It has been dead long time ago." Again, this isn't proper English. I'm not sure if English is your first language. If not, outside of these few sentences you're doing a great job. In this case it should either be, "It died a long time ago," or "It had been dead a long time."

"Nobody wants you except us." There should be a comma after 'you'. "You are completely useless but..." There should also be a comma after useless. In fact, there's always a comma before 'but'.

I like how evil Depression seems. The way he speaks seems friendly enough, but it has that underlying tone of evilness.

On that note, "Depression, The Great." So which one is it? Lord of the Blues, Lord of All, or the Great? Does it change every single time?

CHAPTER 4 How are they communicating? The way it is presented makes it seem as if they are actually sending these messages back forth. As I said, it's presented as if Depression is a real, living, entity.

I'm wondering that, because I'm curious as to why Ilana took 17 minutes to respond. You've included the time stamps, so they have a purpose. Did it just take her that long? Was she thinking about what to say? I'm sure most people probably won't care, but I'm genuinely curious how the two are talking to each other.

So I'm 21. I've been through the period of life Ilana is going through. It's weird seeing her say these things and acting this way because of how ridiculous there are. Not because they are stupid, but because you captured how a 14 year old acts and thinks. It's ridiculous, because it's true.

CHAPTER 5 So this conversation is on the same day. Strangely enough, when I read Ilana was putting hope in her parents, I actually thought it was a bad idea. Interesting to see you use that for Depression to say.

Parent's judge depression? They might not believe the child, but that's not necessarily judging. I do like how you again manage to capture how a 14 year old thinks about their parents.

"All we have to say." We? Is this in reference to the friends from the beginning? It's at this point I wonder why they were even brought up. Since it's only Depression talking (so far), maybe it would be better for him to mention that he has friends in the first chapter, but then introduce them throughout the story. They can all come in slowly, eventually culminating with Suicide, as I assume this is going.

Again, a different title for Depression. It's an artistic choice, I get that. To me, it comes across as if Depression doesn't know who he is yet.

CHAPTER 6 That's a good chapter, I don't really have anything to say. "They only care to taunt on our long..." I think you mean, "Taunt US on our..." (Or taunt me) Other than that, it's fine.

CHAPTER 7 Oh, this isn't Depression writing. That was a little confusing at first. Again, just small things. Consistency with the capitalization of names. "person for long but we" Just add a comma after 'long'.

The first time through I understood "They will rip you apart." To mean the 'certain person' from the last sentence. I assume it is in reference to Depression and the others? If so, I would try to make that a little clearer.

"We beg you." We? Since only one person is speaking at a time, it doesn't make sense to use 'we'. Especially since we don't know much about Happiness. Since hope, joy and fun are all lowercase and don't have titles, I don't see them as entities like Happiness or Depression. Are they?

CHAPTER 8 Wait, how did happiness betray Ilana? It was trust and love, but not happiness. This one I can't agree with.

"You didn't even think about me?" Of course he did! That's why he sent a letter, immediately after Depression did. Of course only after things got bad, but he didn't need to say anything before then. Everything was fine.

It loses me at "So selfish, so mean." He literally just wrote to her, and never really referred to himself. So mean? HOW?

OK REWIND. From the previous Chapter: "We are not allowed to stay with a certain person for long, but we do come back." Now I understand this was meant to say Happiness could not be with someone for long. (Which I personally don't think is true.) However, this is not what comes across. Since Ilana was having troubles with a boyfriend, I assumed this was meant to say a person (meaning anyone) cannot be with someone else for long. I did not read it as Happiness talking about himself.

AND BACK. That confusion leads to more confusion in this chapter.

That being said, this chapter just doesn't work for me still. It comes across as unnecessary conflict in order to advance the plot. Depression isn't sadness. It's not even really the lack of happiness. As far as I've seen, depressed people search for that happiness. It's just things that normally bring it, don't. It still happens though. Depressed people still find happiness in things. The hard part is maintaining that. That's something no one can really do.

With that, I don't see anyone asking happiness to leave.

CHAPTER 9 "Well-done" doesn't need to by hyphenated.

The way you bring up Suicide here is how I think you should have brought up all the other entities. It's a good reveal.

Why is this title given to Depression not capitalized?

CHAPTER 10 It's in this exact situation where someone would pursue happiness. Having been severely depressed, and to the point of suicide, I don't anyone asking happiness to leave. It's illogical.

CHAPTER 11

Again, you do a great job introducing one of the other characters. However, the subtlety Depression spoke with at the beginning is now just gone. Earlier, he was being manipulative and trying to get Ilana to get her to do what he wanted, but have her think it was her idea.

For him to just come out and say 'harm yourself', doesn't fit. I know it's what happens in the real world, but it goes against the character you created. Try to be more subtle about it. Something like, "Let the blood go. It will lessen your burden. Listen to my friend Scars. You shall feel calm. You shall feel better. Listen to him. Act upon it."

It would keep the subtle, unsettling tone. In this version, we the reader know what Depression is asking and it would feel so sinister. Blatantly saying it, takes that away.

Again, consistency with the titles.

CHAPTER 12 Whoa. So up until this point, we've had Ilana and Depression going back and forth, with one intervention from Happiness. Two in a row from Depression throws that off.

"Now you would be feeling better." I think you either mean 'Now you will be feeling better.' or 'Now you should be feeling better."

Loneliness should have shown up in the one about the parents. After that point, as far as the reader is concerned, she is alone. Saying it now doesn't make much sense.

I've read this whole thing understand what it symbolizes and means. I get that without Ilana falling into depression the story wouldn't work. BUT, When Depression says things like, "Your imperfection. Everybody is perfect out there except you...who would want you?" I can't see Ilana following him.

Again, this story presents Depression as an entity and not a state of being. She doesn't just end up depressed like what normally happens. In this story, she is coerced into following and listening to Depression. I think Ilana needs to be the one saying these things about herself, and Depression should be the one pretending to save her from that. I think the latter was your intention anyways. Maybe it would work better by having Depression continue to coax Ilana towards him.

CHAPTER 13 That's three in a row from Depression. Why are we not getting Ilana's side? I like how Past is introduced. It's something everyone goes through. I don't think we need to literally be told what bipolar does. Even though not everyone understands what being bipolar actually means, they do understand it basically means switching from one mood to the extreme opposite. Leaving it at "Bipolar should handle the rest." makes it much more sinister.

Last time, since I don't want to keep repeating myself, consistency with the titles given to Depression. Sometimes they are capitalized, other times they are not. You have to choose one.

CHAPTER 14 4 in a row. WHOA, Those are extremes. That's also not really what bulimia is. It's not eating so much you throw up. It is eating, usually a lot, and forcing yourself to throw up so that you don't gain weight.

Again, the subtlety is just gone.

CHAPTER 15. What? I haven't gone on yet. I don't know how this ends. I assume in suicide.

If that's the case, why is this here? Saying this and nothing else makes me think that Ilana stayed in this absolutely, 100% depressed state every single for two years. Again, I've been in sever states of depression. In those days, I still found happiness. Even on the days I wanted to die. Yes, depression can stick around for a while. But it comes in waves.

You'll be depressed, but then you'll find some good times, and then it comes back, and then it goes away. Sometimes the waves last longer and hit deeper, but it's never that consistent.

This chapter wants me to believe Ilana went those two years without communicating to anyone, was cutting, and bulimic/anorexic and no one noticed or did anything. People know the teenage years are filled with depression. Someone would have noticed. If she was doing all that, either she has the worst parents ever, or they would intervene.

If I hit next and find out she committed suicide, I would recommend taking this chapter out and having her be 16 anyways. Yes, in the real world it is realistic. It doesn't fit the story you have written though.

CHAPTER 16. Yup. No surprise. What would anyone apologize for. Her ex, sure. I get that one. But everyone else? We were never given a reason to believe this to be necessary.

On a real world note, slitting your wrists is actually an extremely painful way to go, and could fail if you don't get it right.

So with that in mind, it's a bit ironic for Depression to recommend that and then say there will be no pains. That's not a problem, it works.

OVERALL THOUGHTS.

After reading the whole thing, overall it was pretty good. Personally, it lost me about halfway when Ilana told Happiness to go away.

The writing itself is fine. There were those few grammar issues I pointed out, but overall it was grammatically well written. One of the hardest things to do while writing is to stay consistent.

That is something I had to point out several times. Depression is given a different title every single time he names himself. That one works.

But, those titles go from capitalized to lowercase. hope, joy, and love are all lowercase, while Depression and all his friends aren't.

I don't see a reason for why 'inside' was in italics in the first chapter. Yes it's the title of the book, but it doesn't make sense in terms of the story.

There was a pattern established in this back and forth dialogue between Depression and Ilana, that suddenly just stops. The last 6 chapters (including continuation) are all from Depression. We don't ever hear from Ilana again after she says she doesn't know what to do. There's no reaction to what Depression is asking of her.

Also I do understand there was a word limit on for the context, making it so you couldn't expand on these concepts. However, now that the contest is over, those rules no longer apply and it would be interesting if you added those in.

Lastly, after reading everything, I don't see why Depression's friends were introduced at the beginning. Since some of them are introduced later, I think they should all be introduced that way. It's just a little weird to have them all listed there, but then they don't show up for some chapters.

It was nice. I enjoyed it reading. It reminds me a lot of Go Ask Alice. If you haven't read it, it might be a good read to help you further improve this piece.

Good job.