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Approximately 7 minutes to read
over 1 year ago Izzy Carter said:
Absolutely beautiful! I shed tears over it!
over 1 year ago Max Joseph said:
I love the story itself and the way you told the stories using letters.
over 1 year ago Cassidy Ozias said:
Awe! This is really cute! I like how you portrayed the story through the letters the main character was writing to Angel. I knew she was gonna fall in love with Trey (I loved it nevertheless)and I really liked the ending.
over 1 year ago Ellie said:
Hello! I'm returning my end of the swap. :-)
Immediately I was drawn into this story. I love books that are written in the theme of letters, and I intend to write one for myself one day.
Anyway, fantastic first line there. Now to the actual review. :D
Angel seems like this perfect girl. I suppose it's like that in the writer's eyes because Angel passed on, but I think you should add something negative about her, too. The part about the writer hating her was nice and believable.
I'm not trying to sound heartless or anything (hehe) but I just think you should add something that annoyed the writer. A nervous tick? An obnoxious habit? Something that would go along with her way of lightning up the room. Something the writer thought was annoying then, but now that Angel has passed on, she realizes it was silly of her to be annoyed about it.
Your grammar is almost flawless! I didn't find many errors at all, but here are the very few that I noticed:
"Then I'd realize hating you is pointless." It should be "I" rather than "I'd," because she just wrote "There ARE times when I hate you," not "There were times when I'd hate you."
If that made any sense. xD
"But, I guess, that's my teenage angst speaking." Neither of those commas were necessary - at least I don't think so.
"I kinda agree with you (one) hundred percent."
"I promise I'd (I'll) do better, Angel."
"I guess, it was my way of grieving." The comma should be taken out there.
"His head was in his hands, tension oozed from him." (How about: "His head was in his hands, and I could almost feel the tension oozing from him"?)
"Something changed between Trey and I (should be "Trey and me") that night."
"I just lost my sister,(.) I can't lose you, too."
"Maybe if you knew the truth you'd never made me make that promise." That was a very confusing sentence. Maybe you should change it to: "Maybe if you knew the truth you would never have made me promise."
"When I got home tonight, just before supper, I found Trey on our front porch." ("Our" front porch? Does she mean she lived with Angel? Maybe you should clarify that.)
"I just listened and blocked him out." (How can you listen to someone and block them out at the same time?)
Overall, this short story is absolutely breathtaking. It shows how big of a difference someone can make in the world, and it also shows the even bigger difference passing on can make.
I think this was beautifully written, and I love it in every way. You are an amazing writer and it was a great privilege to swap with you! :-)
over 1 year ago Payton M. said:
Oh my gawd. Usually when I review, I do it as I go, but I only wrote down stuff from the beginning because I began to get drawn in and I was just in awe. This was freaking amazing, and I don't mean "I didn't read it but I'm returning a swap" amazing, I mean please write more about their story, everything that happened outside of the journal entries. Please, I would read it. This was beautiful and I cried.
Now for punctuation issues I noticed before your story sucked me in.
"I was twelve then(,)..." needs a comma.
No comma after both instances of "I guess"
"a" after "you" in the phrase "you hundred"
That was all I could find. This was so raw and heartfelt. It was so real. I've felt grief before and this nailed it. Bless you and merry Christmas.