There Are Worse Things

There Are Worse Things

1 chapter / 147 words

Approximately less than a minute to read

Description:

Cover made by: Red Whisper.
NOVEL IN PROGRESS:

Carly is in love with Dean, the man of her dreams. Her parents forbid her to date him so they break up. She meets another guy, Hayes, and falls in love. Little does she know, Dean has a surprise up his sleeve.

Genres:

Drama, Romance, Novel

Comments(18)

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3 months ago Rose K said:

This looks really good so far no big mistakes yet. Maybe enlarge this moment a little bit with descriptions, but other than that theres only one thing; when you say novel in progress and it is only a few paragraphs long In think you should really either add on or take that part down. Thanks, ;D

Athena

over 1 year ago carlie stanco said:

Really good so far, I feel bad for the characters and I like how realistic it is.

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over 1 year ago Kaylee said:

Very cute. Lots of room to expand into the background, and why the parents didn't allow the relationship. Also, I would love more description of the two main characters, what they look like, ages, where they are from, etc. Dean's car could be a great opportunity to expand on his personality and his past, before the dents are from accidents or from trouble he has been in. Just a thought. Overall, good concept, let me know when you start to expand it!

Untitlethors fitness

over 1 year ago Cinder Dust said:

I've never had a boyfriend and I point out clearly that I am not really into romance on my page, but I read this anyway. from my naïve perspective, it was good. but do yourself a favor and take someone else's advice...

Reviews(18)

Dscn0325

11 months ago Gretchin Bledsoe said:

Bailee,

Here's my end of our swap, sorry it took way longer than I thought it would. Things have been crazy lately, so I'm sorry about that. But here it is!

I'm writing the review as I'm reading, so it should be easy to follow along.

1) The first sentence, "I couldn't stop staring at him," is simple, short, and intriguing from the start. I like that, especially since it could mean anything while telling you a lot.

2) In the second sentence, change "can" to "could" for consistency of tense.

3) In the third sentence, take the comma out, since a comma is only used if there are three or more things being listed, and there are only two things being listed, so you don't need it.

4) Dean says, "Lets go before someone sees us." "Lets" should be "Let's" with an apostrophe, since it's a contraction of "let" and "us".

5) When Dean and the main character take off from the restaurant, you say, "and drive to my house." Then you go on to talk about the car ride, but because of the part in quotes that I wrote down, it sounds like you've already skipped over the car ride and you're at the house now. I would suggest saying "and make our way to my house" instead of "and drive to my house" so that it sounds like they're still in the car when you finish that paragraph.

6) "The car was silent until Dean turns on the radio to Hotline Bling." This sentence switches tenses, so if it's present tense, you should say, "The car IS silent until Dean turns on the radio to Hotline Bling," and if it's past tense, it should be, "The car was silent until Dean TURNED on the radio." See the difference?

7) She says, "Mom what's wrong?" There should be a comma after Mom so show that you're addressing her with the question of "what's wrong?"

8) "I couldn't even speak at this point." This doesn't need to be its own paragraph, but it can be. Personally, I would keep it in the paragraph before it and then start the next paragraph AFTER the sentence, "I couldn't even speak at this point."

9) When her dad says, "You better be telling him goodbye because it's over for you two," there should be a comma after "goodbye".

10) "I run outside and caught up to Dean." This is like the situation in number 6. It should either be, "I RAN outside and caught up to Dean" or "I run outside and CATCH up to Dean." You have to keep the tense consistent. Are you telling the story in hindsight (past tense) or as it is happening (present tense)? Most of it is in present tense, so that's probably what you're aiming for, you just have to look over the chapter for any past-tense words.

This is a dramatic piece, and I can tell you've got a knack for writing. Just keep working on the little, annoying parts to writing (grammar, tenses, punctuation, spelling, etc.) so that you can get over those things and get to the fun part (colors, imagination, romance, storytelling, etc.), and you'll enjoy it much more, I'm sure.

Good job! I want to read the rest of the book (if there's going to be one, of course).

GB

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over 1 year ago Evi B. said:

I like your story. It's very cute, and you can defiantly build upon it. That's a great thing because if you can't build a story or novel anymore, and there's nothing left to write, the story won't finish.

My critiques, which by the comments and reviews are pretty similar.

I love the way you describe Dean, but try to make it more detailed. What is he wearing? Use adjectives to describe his green eyes, like a forest green, or a dark green, something like that so we can really picture it.

Describe Carly. We don't get any information about her. Build up your characters to make them feel more normal, like any person in the world.

Maybe describe the day with him. What does it consist of? Make her not answer her phone when her parents call, so we know why they are mad.

Talk about their relationship, how did it start. Built it up so the intensity is there when she gets home.

The beginning is great, you don't have to change that, but add onto the story, just so you can slow it down, make it more enjoyable to read.

You also tend to change your tense, sometimes using past, sometimes using present. I'm guilty of this as well, but you have to pick whether you want this story to be in present, as it's happening, or it happened.

Example: When Carly and Dean were in the room with her parents, she is experiencing things in the present so instead of "I didn't understand." it should be "I don't understand". Just because its happening right now.

You have a great start and an interesting concept, just start adding more descriptions and story to get the reader to read more. I love the cover as well, it will attract people to your story!

-evi