The Green Beast

The Green Beast

3 chapters / 1817 words

Approximately 9 minutes to read

Description:

Rivera Vistroe was eighteen when the Red Devil's army attacked. Having to quickly find out about her family's deep interwoven bond with the life-breather dragons' heir bloodline was quite a shock, but she quickly had to move past it as she learned of a Fire-breather dragon titled Verath, Eater Of All and his plot to destroy all other dragon heir-lines.

Notice: The cover art doesn't belong to me. Although, the edits I made do.

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Comments(4)

Center

over 1 year ago Lauren Fricke said:

*became

Center

over 1 year ago Lauren Fricke said:

Hello there; of course I'd like to swap!

I like what you have here so far. The reader is pushed directly into the action, and your description of the attacker was wonderfully, if creepily, done. Bravo on that.

A few things to watch:

-commas. You were missing a few in the first chapter. Another read through should catch them.

-"I". Watch starting your sentences with "I". While it wasn't a huge issue, it is glaringly obvious when you do so. Try rearranging the sentence so that "I" is in the center.

-simple sentences. Especially toward the start of the piece, there seemed to be a lot of simple sentences. This improved as I read on, but it because quite repetitive and tiresome at the start. Try reworking them or combining to make it more varied.

All in all, I think you have a good start here. More backstory would definitely benefit the piece, but I understand that it is most likely coming in later chapters. Keep writing!

For the swap, please read "The Wishing Jar" (short story) or "Ricocheting Bullets" (poetry). Thanks!

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over 1 year ago Nicole Enyart said:

For Swap Very interesting. There's not much to go on as far as how plot is, but this is quite a hook! Some of the main characters thoughts seem a bit disjointed, but other than that you definitely should continue this.

Someone made it pro-pic aeum2c by the one and only

over 1 year ago Emberlin said:

~~Hi! This is my part of the 4min swap~~ First, a few little details... "Tell Roman the Red Devil says hello." Slithered into my mind. Since the sentence is still continuing you should have it as "Tell Roman the Red Devil says hello," slithered into my mind (describe the voice here, what did it sound like? Breathy? Screechy? Hollow?) Also, how did the main character know that it was a man? Apart from those two things, this seems like the start of something very interesting. Since it is the first chapter, I can understand why we don't see the main character very well or even understand what their relationship is with Roman. You probably need to keep that in mind when you write the next few chapters. Happy Writing! :D

Reviews(4)

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over 1 year ago Pariaritzia said:

Chapter One:

“…and shuttered.”—“…and shuddered.”

“…my painful red ears.”—“…my painfully red ears.” (I see that someone before me corrected it to “painful red ears.” However, since what (I think) you mean is that the narrator’s ears are so red they hurt, it makes more sense to use the adverb.)

Also, speaking of adverbs, you have a lot of them. And adjectives. Adverbs and adjectives are like family time—good to have, but only in moderation.

“…brown hair peaking out…”—“…brown hair peeking out…”

“…a pillow thrown distraughtly across the bed and what I’m sure was covered in drool”—this part of the sentence doesn’t make sense. Also, distraught tends to describe a mental/emotional state more than a physical one.

It says a lot about your character that she uses “literally” to mean “figuratively.”

“Working at a coffee shop as a barista”—redundant. You can remove “at a coffee shop”

“…in itself, it was just…”—either make “It was just…” a new sentence or change the comma to a semicolon.

“Technically, being eighteen years old I should…”—“…old meant I should…”

“ ‘…is coming in.’ I muttered…”—“ ‘…is coming in,’ I muttered…”

“…my short 5’4 frame.”—you can remove short. 5’4 is pretty average, and if you wanted to emphasize that she is short compared to the newcomer, the next sentence does that already by mentioning his height.

“ ‘…look very good.’ I asked…”—“ ‘…look very good,’ I asked…”

“…he seemed to give me the jitters that I couldn’t help but feel to creep my neck, almost like the ice storm beginning to rage around us.”—there are too many things going on here. Split it up or cut something out.

Same for this sentence: “My cigarette long forgotten…”

“…the lamp post he’d pushed me next to.”—remove “he’d pushed me next to.”

“…the burning glow of the snow’s reflection from the lamp post.”—I’m…not really sure what you mean by this.

“…that lolled out of the side of his mouth…”—“that lolled out of the side of a mouth…”

“…accident he was involved in.”—“…accident he had been involved in.”

“…rapidly pilling snow…”—“…rapidly piling snow.”

“…of my mind, it had slithered into my thought waves and had instantly taken over and blocked all of my senses.”—if it slithers into her thoughts, how can it instantly take over? Slithering implies a gradual process.

“…as the once-binding material went up in flames…”—“as it went up in flames…”

“…my pounding headache as fears hand wound itself around my chest…”—this doesn’t make sense. Do you mean fear’s hand? Like the hand of fear? Even then the structure doesn’t quite work.

So! Despite the impression my edits give, I do really like this. Your style is pretty good, your narrator is likeable, events thus far have been intriguing, and you’ve done an excellent job of introducing exposition without overwhelming/boring the reader or making it sound stilted.

Lines/parts I especially liked:

“A flick of orange light danced in front of my face”

“warmly tucked away in his bed”

The description of the attacker’s face

“It was a dark whisper in the back of my mind”

Overall, pretty good!

Lolooff

over 1 year ago Josephine F. said:

Whoa… This was very strange, not in a bad way though. At first I was a confused about everything that was taking place but once I figured out what was going on I found myself really enjoying this. Your descriptions are very good and this first chapter definitely provides a great hook into the story. Good job with that!

But I still have a few suggestions that you can ignore if you deem unnecessary:

“I felt a wet boot graze……Slithered into my mind.” This whole statement seems to have some strange punctuation going on in it. I almost feel like it should be rearranged in its chronological structure or maybe in its punctuation.

“What the fuck? Who was that?” These are thoughts so I feel like you should italicize them to show that and also it would add way more emphasis that would make more sense in this situation.

That’s about all I have to say about grammatical things. But yeah, I definitely liked this and I’m very curious to see where this goes. :D