The Green Beast

The Green Beast

3 chapters / 1817 words

Approximately 9 minutes to read

Description:

Rivera Vistroe was eighteen when the Red Devil's army attacked. Having to quickly find out about her family's deep interwoven bond with the life-breather dragons' heir bloodline was quite a shock, but she quickly had to move past it as she learned of a Fire-breather dragon titled Verath, Eater Of All and his plot to destroy all other dragon heir-lines.

Notice: The cover art doesn't belong to me. Although, the edits I made do.

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Comments(6)

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over 1 year ago Shouryaman Saha said:

Hi, Ashley! Since you followed the directions of the forum post on "Constructive Criticism," you were my first priority! Here is some feedback: What I Liked: -Show, not tell: you nailed this. I could clearly picture everything. Your metaphors and similes were ornate and intricate, which truly warmed my heart, considering the lack of skill in the literary community. -Pace: the speed needs a little improvement; don't sacrifice character development for pace - I didn't experience Rivera's reaction to the zombie man as well as I should have. Your opening characterization of Rivera had the perfect pace.

What Needs Improvement: -Grammar: comma splices and grammatical errors appeared quite often, and I would suggest proofreading your work with an online reference. I would've helped you with that if it was a google doc, but alas! -Unnecessary details: these weren't as often as the grammatical issues, but we're equally bothersome. Examples include: "Working at a coffee shop as a barista." It is assumed that if you work as a barista, you work at a coffee shop; no need to repeat - it just distracts the audience. Another example is after dialogue: "...voicing my concerns." The audience knows from the dialogue that Rivera voiced her concerns - you don't have to tell us again. -Overuse of adjectives: this is tricky; I always ask myself, "How many is too many?" A trick I often use is saying it out loud - if it's too wordy, it needs to go. Example: quaint apartment -Too many adverbs: adverbs are a taboo in the writing community, which is confusing, but all you need is a couple. You don't need an adverb that often. The same trick with the adjectives applies here. Another trick is just paying attention while reading other books - how often do they use an adverb/adjective?

Hope this helped! Your writing has LOTS of potential. I don't say that often, so I truly mean it!

Best Wishes, Shouryaman www.boundlessminds.org @shouryamanbooks

Ball

over 1 year ago Lauren Fricke said:

*became

Ball

over 1 year ago Lauren Fricke said:

Hello there; of course I'd like to swap!

I like what you have here so far. The reader is pushed directly into the action, and your description of the attacker was wonderfully, if creepily, done. Bravo on that.

A few things to watch:

-commas. You were missing a few in the first chapter. Another read through should catch them.

-"I". Watch starting your sentences with "I". While it wasn't a huge issue, it is glaringly obvious when you do so. Try rearranging the sentence so that "I" is in the center.

-simple sentences. Especially toward the start of the piece, there seemed to be a lot of simple sentences. This improved as I read on, but it because quite repetitive and tiresome at the start. Try reworking them or combining to make it more varied.

All in all, I think you have a good start here. More backstory would definitely benefit the piece, but I understand that it is most likely coming in later chapters. Keep writing!

For the swap, please read "The Wishing Jar" (short story) or "Ricocheting Bullets" (poetry). Thanks!

Funny faces..

over 1 year ago Insanity_Is_My_Remedy said:

Wow! That is such a massive improvement, you have really made this chapter shine now. The detail and the emotion, the confusion. You wrote it all brilliantly. I loved how I was able to picture everything. I gave a little chuckle at the thought of Roman in bed all askew ha-ha XD

Insanity :)

Reviews(5)

3315_i8_harry-potter-8[1]

over 1 year ago Pariaritzia said:

Chapter One:

“…and shuttered.”—“…and shuddered.”

“…my painful red ears.”—“…my painfully red ears.” (I see that someone before me corrected it to “painful red ears.” However, since what (I think) you mean is that the narrator’s ears are so red they hurt, it makes more sense to use the adverb.)

Also, speaking of adverbs, you have a lot of them. And adjectives. Adverbs and adjectives are like family time—good to have, but only in moderation.

“…brown hair peaking out…”—“…brown hair peeking out…”

“…a pillow thrown distraughtly across the bed and what I’m sure was covered in drool”—this part of the sentence doesn’t make sense. Also, distraught tends to describe a mental/emotional state more than a physical one.

It says a lot about your character that she uses “literally” to mean “figuratively.”

“Working at a coffee shop as a barista”—redundant. You can remove “at a coffee shop”

“…in itself, it was just…”—either make “It was just…” a new sentence or change the comma to a semicolon.

“Technically, being eighteen years old I should…”—“…old meant I should…”

“ ‘…is coming in.’ I muttered…”—“ ‘…is coming in,’ I muttered…”

“…my short 5’4 frame.”—you can remove short. 5’4 is pretty average, and if you wanted to emphasize that she is short compared to the newcomer, the next sentence does that already by mentioning his height.

“ ‘…look very good.’ I asked…”—“ ‘…look very good,’ I asked…”

“…he seemed to give me the jitters that I couldn’t help but feel to creep my neck, almost like the ice storm beginning to rage around us.”—there are too many things going on here. Split it up or cut something out.

Same for this sentence: “My cigarette long forgotten…”

“…the lamp post he’d pushed me next to.”—remove “he’d pushed me next to.”

“…the burning glow of the snow’s reflection from the lamp post.”—I’m…not really sure what you mean by this.

“…that lolled out of the side of his mouth…”—“that lolled out of the side of a mouth…”

“…accident he was involved in.”—“…accident he had been involved in.”

“…rapidly pilling snow…”—“…rapidly piling snow.”

“…of my mind, it had slithered into my thought waves and had instantly taken over and blocked all of my senses.”—if it slithers into her thoughts, how can it instantly take over? Slithering implies a gradual process.

“…as the once-binding material went up in flames…”—“as it went up in flames…”

“…my pounding headache as fears hand wound itself around my chest…”—this doesn’t make sense. Do you mean fear’s hand? Like the hand of fear? Even then the structure doesn’t quite work.

So! Despite the impression my edits give, I do really like this. Your style is pretty good, your narrator is likeable, events thus far have been intriguing, and you’ve done an excellent job of introducing exposition without overwhelming/boring the reader or making it sound stilted.

Lines/parts I especially liked:

“A flick of orange light danced in front of my face”

“warmly tucked away in his bed”

The description of the attacker’s face

“It was a dark whisper in the back of my mind”

Overall, pretty good!

Funny faces..

over 1 year ago Insanity_Is_My_Remedy said:

This was a really well thought out first chapter, it was a little on the short side length wise. I did enjoyed reading it. There are a few places that you could put a little more work into, these are only my observations.

I found when reading I was not able to picture everything on the detail you have provided. I was able to imagine the scene, but I found it was hazy. I was filling a lot of the gaps with what I thought would be there.

Your character, where was he walking? Was he beside trees, in a city? You also said it was cold enough to make his ears painful,elaborate on this... -The wind was icy and bitter, my ears became red and painful. Ice covered the once hazard free pavements beneath my feet- That is just an example. Details really do go the way to pulling the reader into your world.

The only thing I found mistake wise was instead of saying (to work) try using -at work- it would make a lot more sense and help the paragraph to flow a lot easier.

The sentence where you said (Burning. All I felt around me was burning.) This doesn't read right to me. To give you an example -Burning. All I could feel was the intense heat, it surrounded everything.- Add a little more into the sentence and you can really grip the readers interest.

The Red Devil (interesting name, makes me intrigued.) It would be good to know what his voice sounds like. Is it rough? Scratchy? Intense? How did hearing it make your character feel? Did he see anything about the Red Devil, his boots? A long coat? Adding to this will increase the intensity of the scene for the readers.

Overall though this is a really interesting first chapter. I am interested to see what Roman is like, and how the two boys interact together. What he will make of the Red Devil showing up? The plot is not too clear at the moment but I am intrigued.

Keep writing, as writers we improve every day. Our writing style is ever changing as we develop and hone our craft. This story has a lot of great potential ^_^ Keep up the awesome work.

Insanity :)