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Approximately 10 minutes to read
*A WINNER of the Game of Lives Contest* Lily and the unicorn, Thunderlunar, fight off zombies from another computer game to win back the stolen magic comb in this strange and funny adventure.
10 months ago Meds Shope said:
amazing article, thanks for sharing
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12 months ago Bennett Fairley said:
What a sweet and funny story! I love your style of writing, and the fact that the unicorn wanted a more badass name made me laugh out loud. Congrats on being one of the winners!
12 months ago Mermaid Annabella said:
It was your cover that intrigued me, but I do have to say I liked this story. Very comical and it was sweet to read.
about 1 year ago Christine Hungerford said:
Some examples of punctuation mistakes were: "Climb up on my back and...", "With a whoosh the unicorn...", and "Suddenly a figure...". I saw others. Just make sure to be aware of words like 'Suddenly, yet, Still', and also the word 'and'. Always put a comma before 'and' after a character gives instructions to someone else or the sentence starts with a prepositional word such as 'with'.
12 months ago Charming Quill said:
First off, this story is wildly creative. It’s like a mesh between Wreck-It-Ralph, my little pony, zombie games, and princess amethyst. It’s a fun ride that I deeply enjoyed reading. But, I do think there were definitely a few problems that I’ll go ahead and point out.
The beginning isn’t really all that interesting. I think you need to make it clear that she’s playing a computer game, and provide more of a hook. Like, have her sister walk in and beg to play the computer and storm off when she doesn’t have her way. Or ask what she’s playing. Just something to suck the reader in.
I think most of your sentences are way too long. Varying sentence structure and length can add a flow to your story, making it easy to read and keeps the action and description fluid. I’d say sprinkle in some shorter sentences and it will greatly benefit the story.
You tend to repeat your description a lot. Like, I understand the unicorn is golden. There’s no need to say that multiple times.
Also, your dialogue is good, but I have a hard time figuring out what age Lily is. Sometimes, she sounds older than I think she is. Just something to think about.
You probably want to read your story out loud. There are a few awkward sentences that I had to read multiple times to get the meaning.
Also, Lily being able to swing her sword accurately seems a little inaccurate to me. She’s never held a sword before. Granted, it’s not that hard to swing it around, but she definitely isn’t going to be an expert the first time out.
It seems like they find the comb rather easily. Like, this story felt a little too rushed. It just doesn’t feel like it’s fully fleshed out. They find a cave, go inside, jump, and somehow get the comb. Then, she leaves. That takes a half an hour at most. They barely fought any zombies and there was no end boss level? No epic big zombie guarding it? Definitely disappointing since this story could easily be expanded.
All in all, I liked it. The beginning and end were probably the two biggest places you could improve on. This is wildly imaginative, and has a lot of potential.
Hope this review helped.
about 1 year ago Jenna Cilley said:
Your story was extraordinarily cute and creative. You did a great job rotating point of view between characters. I liked how you included a little bit of every character's thought processes, feelings, and intentions. Good use of third-person omniscient! I enjoyed your character contrast between the child-like, innocent Lily and the dauntless, spunky Thunderlunar. They complimented each other quite nicely. And I must say, I adored your description about the computer engulfing Lily. You captured that frightening description wonderfully. While on the topic of imagery, I thought you did a great job at concisely depicting your scenery. The reader had just enough words to cast an image, but you left room for their imagination to fill in the blanks. The dialogue flowed naturally from character to character.
There were a few mechanical and punctuation mistakes that I caught. When the computer engulfs Lily, I would suggest changing "light" to "lights." The word lights, I think, captures your image of a sea of pixelated graphics swallowing your main character. Thunderlunar should speak in "an irritated voice" not "a irritated voice." In the line of dialogue where Lily asks, "So where do we start?" eliminate the comma after the question mark and change "asked Lily" to "Lily asked." I would suggest using less passive voice in your sentences; this will help cut down your word count.
I think the last exchange of dialogue between Caroline and Lily needs some further clarification. For starters, I was confused at Caroline's reaction when she saw Lily come out of the computer. She scolds Lily about going into the computer as if it was an everyday, normal occurrence, as if she was scolded for playing in the street. It seemed to me that in the story Lily's adventure is perceived as not normal--especially by Lily herself. As Caroline's reaction stands now, it leaves the reader with the inference that Caroline has perhaps gotten stuck inside the computer before as well. Or that getting sucked into a computer is completely normal in the world the characters live in. Her reaction threw me off balance, so I would suggest revising it to either change her reaction to shock, have her give an explanation of comfort to Lily if she has had previous experience in the computer, or having Caroline walk in directly after Lily reappears, not knowing that her sister was in a computer game. Also, how did Caroline know that Lily got stuck? Was she already there? Did she hop onto the computer to manually control her avatar to help her little sister? Just maybe explain this a bit more.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your story! I think you did a great job. And of course you don't have to take any of my suggestions since they are only my opinion. Good luck in the contest!